The reasons I’m going to hell.

Warning! This post makes me look thoroughly girly. I swear on my mother that I will never TyPE LyKe tHis!!! or other such atrocities. But I am female. Some things are unavoidable.

Not a top ten list, but if Letterman would like to pick up on the theme he is certainly welcome.

One: I bought today two Lacoste shirts. One was six dollars, one was eight. I also have a (fake) Louis Vuitton bag that cost something like 40 dollars and is a cute blushy shade of pink. Yes, I’m aware 40 is still a little high, but it’ll be worth it when I explain it cost 400, and I had saved up for months.

Two: Half of my waking time is dedicated to finding attractive boys, and subsequently crushing on them. I plan on following most of the rules. But the whole “No dating” thing is not priority. I won’t do drugs, and there is no way I’ll drive in this country. Maniacs. And there’s parallel parking. That would equal thousands of dollars in damage for me, and that I couldn’t afford.

Three: I look for the best in people until we actually start to get to know each other. Then I look for all the reasons I might not actually want to be around them. (Those who are still around have passed this, and don’t even know it.) It’s mean. But that’s how I trust people: I don’t, for a long time. But I do. I can’t explain yet. We’ll see.

Four: I think you can call that thing a one night stand. And I don’t regret it.

Have I belatedly turned into an actual, superficial teenager? Please don’t say yes.

Five, edited on in:  I haven’t emailed my dad, almost a week after he sent a birthday greeting.  I still don’t know if I want to.

The Million and First Thing

There are a million things I should be doing right now.

One of them I’ve considered is waiting until midnight to post again, so I don’t look so pathetic as to have been posting daily over teenage drama.  The truth is, however, that I have, and if I honestly cared that would probably be more worrisome.

Another is sleeping.  I am awake…oh God.  In seven hours.  To prepare to give a speech in front of my new Thai class.  Half in their native tongue, half in mine; fortunately, those in charge have been so gracious as to allow me to carry notes.   That last sentence is a doozy.  And they say I’ll be fluent soon for sure.  Just because I’m good at mimicry.

But you get the point, I’m sure:  I am not doing any one of those million things.  I have resorted to the million and first thing:  Blogging, my natural default these introspective and admittedly lonely days.  Until I know this language, there just isn’t much I can do about it.  And despite my frequent internet appearances, I am, in fact, learning this language.   It’s slow going, but I am only five days in (six, within the next half hour or so).

I haven’t even bothered to entirely change clothing, or brush my teeth, or turn on the air conditioner.  One of these things is about to change, and you get a prize for guessing which one.  (No, you actually don’t.  Maybe a virtual pat on the head.  But I’ve got to save money.  Lord knows I didn’t this summer)  I’ll even give you a hint:  one’s switch is approximately five feet from where I lie on my bed/mattress.

I am, all in all, a very happy girl these days.  Home has sorted itself out until further notice, which I don’t expect to be soon or nearly as traumatic.  Home is what the last few posts are about.  You could have guessed that.  It takes a little self-acknowledgment to move past things such as what happened, and perhaps a little bit of selfish asshole-ness, but the feeling of truly living, once you emerge from something like this, is completely worth the little trip through–

Oops.  Just fell asleep.

‘Night!

Scatterbrain, they call me.

Actually, no one calls me that. I just come up with random titles and go with it, on occasion.

Emerging finally from the emotional insanity of too many new situations at once, combined with a healthy dose of that thing called Jet Lag and those well known Hormones, I present to you the actually thought out thoughts of this hopefully anonymous human being. I do worry I’ve been discovered, though…would I really be upset? It’s not like it matters that greatly. Whatever, I’ll continue, this is my blog and I can do what I want.

I occasionally wonder if I’m too unintelligent to be loved, or more properly, to love. I explore that in my head for a while, and determine it complete crap. Isn’t love emotion? Instinct? Illogic? That’s always been the love I preferred–not one that rests in the results of some philosophical endeavor, but the one felt beyond what reason may be. For instance, the sort of emotion found between Mejor Amiga and I throughout the past week or so. Anyone else could easily have been made adversaries of the worst sort, but she and I were conversely closer because of the experience.

If I’m going to be loved, I want it to be without the boundaries of thought and perception. I want to feel it, and I never want to know quite why things work the way they do. Sure, I’ll ponder on it for a while, muse on the properties of serendipity, four leaf clovers, and all the other things we blame for such phenomena. But in the end, I want to know beyond question, though it’s further than what I can legitimize.

It seems idealistic. Naive. Hell, it probably is both. There are too many things in the world I’m as of yet unaware. The point is, I’ll know love when I see it. But I’ll never set standards, there are no goals. Suffice it to say I haven’t met the elusive “It” yet.  Edit.  I knew that wasn’t the right word.  I was just feeling like using ten point words.

I’ll let you know when I do.

Things I have never done.

In light of my having confirmed bad news, if only halfway, without any specific detail, let me drivel on like this is actually important.

Boys think I’m pretty, smart, independent, but they do not fall in love with me. They like me, for that minute they should be so lucky for, and then they fall in love with her.

I will never, could never hate her for it.

But what should this make me think of me?

Scared.

I edit because I care.

It seems to me that I am about to relive the pain of jumping without arms to fall into, all over again.

How can there still be things to be upset about?

And for what is not the last time, I surrender the fight.  Can she be happy?  Can he?  Then let them.  I can make logic from this, and eventually I will believe it.  I’m strong enough to handle this, and I’m well aware that in this situation, I have the least to lose, no matter how I might feel while I let it go.

It’s just…how to avoid the regret, I’m not so sure of.

Oops?

Okay, classic overreaction.  Mejor Amiga makes sense, thank God for that, because I can run off with something and completely lose a grip.

I do still have colossally bad timing, though who knows.  Maybe it’s all right.  Maybe it’s not.  I’m willing now to let that one figure itself out.

実は、私自分には信じないから。あたしの事が忘れに優しく出来ると思うって、だからあの人はあたしが忘れる。バカみたいなあ？あの人忘れないよ。

希望があるよ。それが人生には一番大事ない。でも希望がある。

I’m not translating that.

Back again.

I picture you in the sun
Wondering what went wrong
You’re falling down on your knees
Begging for sympathy
And being caught in between
All I wished for
And all I seen
And trying to find anything
You can feel
That you can believe in

Deleted for purposes.